Star Trek GPT

ChatGPT is excellent for learning how to do new things the wrong way. I’ve been using it to learn enough Tensorflow to classify radio signals!

I’ve also found it to be an endless source of entertainment. Is your favorite show cancelled? No problem! ChatGPT can write new and original scripts!

FADE IN:

INT. THE ENTERPRISE - MAIN BRIDGE

The crew of the Enterprise are gathered around the viewscreen, watching an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation titled “Code of Honor.”

PICARD
(with a disgusted expression)
Oh my. This is simply dreadful.

RIKER
(mockingly)
Yes, because nothing says “progressive science fiction” like a bunch of space stereotypes playing out colonialist fantasies.

DATA
(in a monotone voice)
I find it fascinating that the writers chose to depict an alien culture as a monolithic entity with no internal diversity.

WORF
(under his breath)
Perhaps they should have consulted a Klingon cultural expert.

TROI
(sarcastically)
But why bother with research when you can just rely on lazy racial tropes?

PICARD
(resignedly)
Well, I suppose it’s too late to cancel the episode now. We’ll just have to deal with the backlash.

RIKER
(loudly)
No, Captain! We can’t just sit back and let this stand. We need to hold the writers accountable for this garbage.

DATA
(nodding)
Indeed. We must demand better from our creative team.

WORF
(gruffly)
I suggest we send them to the Klingon penal colony as punishment.

TROI
(smiling wryly)
Oh, Worf. Always the diplomat.

PICARD
(sighing)
Well, I suppose we’ll have to send a strongly-worded message to the writers. Let’s hope they take our criticism to heart.

The crew of the Enterprise share a knowing look, as the viewscreen fades to black.

FADE OUT.

Well, that WAS a terrible episode.

Scene 1: Beverly Crusher’s Quarters

[Beverly is sitting at her desk, reminiscing over her late grandmother’s belongings. The door chimes.]

Beverly: Come in.

[Deanna Troi enters the room, looking unimpressed.]

Deanna: Hey, Beverly. I heard about your grandmother. I’m really sorry.

Beverly (chuckling): You know, Deanna, I can’t believe we’re doing an episode about my grandma’s… ghost lover.

Deanna (laughing): I know, right? I think the writers have officially run out of ideas.

Scene 2: The Burial Ceremony

[The crew is gathered at the cemetery. Jean-Luc Picard is giving a speech, but keeps forgetting his lines.]

Picard: We are gathered here to… what’s the line again?

Director (off-screen): “Honor Felisa Howard, a remarkable woman who lived a long and full life.”

Picard: Right, right. We are gathered here to honor Felisa… (sighs) Can we just skip to the part where the ghost shows up?

Well that’s no good either. Lets try a VOY episode?

INT. USS VOYAGER - MESS HALL

Neelix stands in front of the camera, addressing the imaginary audience once again.

NEELIX
(looking at the camera)
“Welcome back, folks! Today, I want to talk about Tuvix. Remember him? He was that strange, hybrid creature that was created when Tuvok and I were merged together.”

Janeway and Tom enter the mess hall, and overhear Neelix’s monologue. They exchange a worried glance and approach him.

JANEWAY
“Neelix, who are you talking to?”

Neelix turns to face Janeway, but still addresses the camera.

NEELIX
“I’m talking to our audience, Captain. You know, the people watching us right now.”

TOM
(concerned)
“Neelix, there’s no audience. We’re on a starship, in the middle of the Delta Quadrant.”

Neelix looks confused, and the camera fades to black.

INT. USS VOYAGER - SICKBAY

Neelix lies on a bio-bed, with the Doctor performing a medical scan.

DOCTOR
(shaking his head)
“I’m sorry, Commander, but I can’t find anything physically wrong with you. Your vitals are normal, and your brain scans show no abnormalities.”

NEELIX
(despondent)
“But I keep hearing voices, Doc. They tell me to talk to them, to explain what’s going on.”

DOCTOR
(skeptical)
“Voices? Commander, you’re the only one here. Perhaps you’re under stress, or suffering from some form of delusion.”

Neelix looks defeated, and the Doctor exits the room.

NEELIX
(to the camera)
“Looks like I’m going crazy, folks. Nobody understands me, not even the Doctor.”

The camera fades to black.

INT. USS VOYAGER - MESS HALL

Neelix is alone, speaking to the camera once again.

NEELIX
(looking at the camera)
“I don’t know what’s happening to me, folks. I feel like I’m losing my mind. But there’s something else that’s been bothering me. Tuvix. He was a person, with his own thoughts and feelings. And yet, we decided to end his existence, to bring Tuvok and myself back. Was that the right thing to do?”

The camera fades to black, and we hear the sound of a phaser being charged. When the screen fades back in, Neelix is holding a phaser to his head.

NEELIX
(desperate)
“I can’t take it anymore. If I’m going crazy, I don’t want to live like this.”

Whoh whoh! Back up! Yikes! I think we’re done here.